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"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot."
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
"Try to relax and enjoy the crisis."
"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
"Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking."
"Be bold and mighty powers will come to your aid."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
"I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it."
"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is."
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."
JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."