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Shidduch Resume
*ATTENTION FRUMMIES (& others)!* Sick of hours spent deciding what 2 write on ur shidduch resume? Do u toss & turn at night wondering if eligible Bochurim/Maidelach will take u seriously? Introducing Shidduch Resume! The app that sums u up on paper!
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Shidduch Resume
What kind of table cloth do you use for shabbos?
Question 1 out of 20
ALWAYS a geshmaka white one, but with plastic over it!
its pronounced shabbat
Oyoyoy!
Plastic its cheaper
umm... whats shabbos?
whatever, doesnt really matter
Shidduch Resume
What kind of socks do you wear?
Question 2 out of 20
ankle socks, regular socks, its all good
Boy: black socks/ Girl: white tights of course
i try not to wear socks unless its cold, i usually stick with flip flops or sandals
Na Nach socks!
what kinda stupid question is this?
white tights no matter what
Shidduch Resume
When you pass a member of the opposite sex, around your age, in the street you:
Question 3 out of 20
dance spontaneously!
give them flirty looks
oy why would they be on the same side of the street as me???
pick them up!
turn my head and pretend I dont see them, turn red, and if Im with friends, giggle
walk by, say hi if i know them, good shabbos if its shabbos, otherwise just be casual
Shidduch Resume
What is the ideal hair situation?
Question 4 out of 20
Boy: peyos, black hat or soup bowl yarmulka covering most of it, maybe a beard. Girl: Humongous bump, headband; tichul or obvious sheitel when married.
Boy: whatever works, just as long as its covered by a respectable kippa and not too long. Girl: whatever looks best (covered by tichul, natural looking sheitel, funky hat, etc.)
Boy:peyos, beard, velvet hat or streimel, BALD! Girl: pony tail; when married covered and BALD!
GIGANTIC NACHMAN YARMULKA AND PEYOS!!!!
whatever looks hottest
whatever you want, but boys should wear some sort of kippah
Shidduch Resume
What do you call your cleaning lady?
Question 5 out of 20
generally maria, but that depends on what her name is...
my b****
the help
we try not to socialize with her unless were criticizing her. shes always the Shiksa or Goyta
well when shes around we call her by her name, but in private shes the Shiksa or the Goyta
who needs clean when you have Nachman???
Shidduch Resume
The perfect example of chessed is:
Question 6 out of 20
a shadchan!
collecting tzeddaka in shul before taking a shower
converting people to breslov chassidus!
tossing a nickel at the dude playing guitar in the subway
volunteering for hatzalah
what on earth is chessed???
Shidduch Resume
A normal start to a first date is:
Question 7 out of 20
father tells me im engaged. spontaneous nachman dancing!
flirty comments on how hot they each look
man picks woman up. they go to nice fancy kosher restaurant
man picks woman up. they hug, go to fancy restaurant, or movie and hold hands at some point
my father spends an hour interrogating how frum the potential shidduch is. after approval, we get in car and woman does NOT wear seatbelt (its not tznius)
my father tells me that im engaged
Shidduch Resume
What kind of clothing do you consider appropriate to wear over your legs?
Question 8 out of 20
Boys: a bekeshe over white tights. Girls: white tights under dresses or dressy skirts that sweep the floor
Boys: any pants, jeans, or shorts. Girls: any pants, jeans, or shorts.
Boys: any sort of jeans, pants, or shorts as long as its not too bummy. Girls: skirts anywhere below the knee
Boys: dress pants. Girls: dresses or dressy skirts that sweep the floor
what would rebbi nachman wear?
who cares about appropriate, take em off!
Shidduch Resume
You find a quarter on the floor. What do you do?
Question 9 out of 20
chuck it past a homeless dude or a religious jew and enjoy the show!
donate it to the rebbes tzeddaka!
drop it in the tzeddaka box!
keep it unless theres a dude collecting tzeddaka nearby, in which case I'd give it to him
leave it, its a freakin quarter!
let you have it on condition that you put on a nachman yarmulka!
Shidduch Resume
Favorite music:
Question 10 out of 20
afro man, or anything else with dirty language or inuendos
im more into non jewish stuff, but sometimes a jewish song playing can pump me up, especially matisyahu
only jewish, lipa is a posheter yid!
only jewish, shwekey and carlebach are geshmak!
only non jewish stuff, jewish music is without exception, garbage
rabbi nachman, nachman meuman, nachman meuman, rabbi nachman meuman! oy oy oy oyoyoy oy oy oyoyoy oy oy oyoyoy oy oy...!!!
Shidduch Resume
If you had any non-religious relatives, what would your interaction be like?
Question 11 out of 20
chas vishaloim should there be any association!
i do have. were actually on pretty good, terms they accept me for who i am and i accept them. ive tried showing them the beauty of religion but if they dont like it i leave them alone.
i have plenty, i just put religion aside and act cool so they dont feel uncomfortable and we can relate with each other.
if they dont become frum, theyre cut off
relentlessly bombard them with nachman till they give in!
the real question is if i had any *religious* relatives
Shidduch Resume
Does your mother cover her hair?
Question 12 out of 20
no. so what?
of course!!!!!!!!!!!! id be so embarrassed if she didnt, id never find a shidduch!
she doesnt even have hair, but she covers her head of course!
um... why would she? who does that?
what difference does it make? its my religiosity that matters not my mothers
yes and shes currently working on getting a nachman hair covering!
Shidduch Resume
Do you have good middos?
Question 13 out of 20
define middos...
do you want my exact size?
everyone does!
sure why not, im pretty chilled
what does it matter, were getting married whether we like it or not
yeah i think im a pretty good person, i try to do chessed when i get the opportunity
Shidduch Resume
What type of yeshiva did you attend?
Question 14 out of 20
chas vishalom not co-ed, really strict dress code, limited secular studies, college forbidden, constant watch...
co-ed, not much of a dress code, a bit of torah, etc..
i didnt attend anything called a 'yeshiva'
no such thing as a 'co-ed yeshiva', or goyishe limudim in a yeshiva. only torah.
typical non-coed school, pretty chilled but you have to dress appropriately, warm rebbeim, firm secular studies, etc...
we had 3 classes: torah, dancing, and knitting nachmukas!
Shidduch Resume
Are you heimishe?
Question 15 out of 20
heimishe meuman!
ok these words r starting to bug me, what language is this anyway???
this is the 1st question i dont understand
to be honest i dont quite know the exact meaning of the word but the overall feeling is that im pretty heimishe
yeah my parents are pretty wealthy
yes and i have a heimishe mishpucheh!
Shidduch Resume
What is your Rav like?
Question 16 out of 20
hes a chiller
hes a very smart and strict litvishe rav
hes an amazing speaker, very warm, insightful, and open-minded
rebbe. not rav, rebbe.
this is the last time im gonna ask for the definition of a word...
you dont know rebbi nachman???????????
Shidduch Resume
Do you have access to tv or internet?
Question 17 out of 20
i couldnt live without it! i dont get why some people are against it, these rabbis gotta chill
no chas vishalom!!!!!!! such things r despicable! shtus boxes are horrible, and internet is only useful with every jewish filter system available, and only for business!
oyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy!!!!!!!!!!!
sure how do you think im doing this now? im very careful with what i watch though
vus is dus shtus???
who doesnt???
Shidduch Resume
Do you have facebook?
Question 18 out of 20
chas vishalom! its horrible!... i dont even know what facebook is... really! my rabbi gave me this resume!
only to post things about rebbi nachman!
sure its not a big deal if youre careful
um... yeah... its how i keep up with my crushes and stalk my ex-es
vus is dus????
yeah so does everyone i know theres nothing wrong with it!
Shidduch Resume
Do you take this resume seriously?
Question 19 out of 20
i dont even get the joke... not even sure why im taking it. whats a shidduch anyway?
no its kinda funny actually
no this whole thing is ridiculous
no... my marriage is arranged by my parents
only if people become breslov because of it!
yes! the only way i can get married is if everything about me is put on paper!
Shidduch Resume
Has this shidduch resume strengthened your emunah and your ability to find your bashert?
Question 20 out of 20
NACHMAN MEUMAN!!!!!!!!!
no i had emunah already. this was just interestingly humorous
no my father chose my bashert
not at all
thats it i quit.
yes! imy''h itll help me find my bashert!
Created by
Christian.Schuster
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